Not a very creative title, but hey it got your attention, didn't it? Well, here it is: my first negative review/rant article. You knew one was coming sooner or later. I don't see why everyone likes this horribly overated franchise. This is the most overrated series of all time next to the Tony Hawk series. Although TH games don't actually suck; they are treated like the best thing to happen to videogames. How a skateboarding game ranks higher on a list of the best games above the likes of a Final Fantasy game is beyond my comprehension.

But Tony Hawk ain't on trial here, the Zelda series is. Truth be told, the Zelda franchise started off well and I must admit I have no idea how many times I played through A Link To The Past. However, the games went straight down the shitter afterwards. Here is my account of my voyages through this saga...

The Legend Of Zelda:

Here's where it all began. A groundbreaking game, Nintendo hesitated to release it, worried that the gaming public would not be ready for such a complex game. How far we have come. Like everyone else, I was quickly addicted to the game that was not meant to be beat in just one sitting. The story involved the princess Zelda being kidnapped and the Triforce being seized by the evil Gannondorf. The princess's personal guardian, Impa, gives a brave lad the quest to rescue her, defeat Gannon, and save Hyrule. This lad is Link.

So the quest begins with you going into a cave and an old man gives you some words and a sword. YES! Hey, wait a second... What is this shit? Did I say I was hunting vampires? What the fuck am I gonna kill with a wooden sword? So its off through the dungeons, forests, deserts, and mountains with a wooden sword to fight off the Moblins, Tectites, Blue Darknuts, and Floor Masters, which are giant disembodied hands that drop down and grab you. But they aren't giving out handjobs, they carry you all the way back to the beginning of the dungeon. Sinister bastards.

Occasionally you may encounter men inside caves who will offer you information. You can offer them 3 different amounts of money, but pick carefully! Too little, and he won't talk. Too much, and he still doesn't talk!

"I know a secret, but I'm no charity..."

"All right, here's 30 rupees."

"Phft! I spit at such a pathetic offer!"

"Well, normally when you reject someone's money, YOU DON'T ACTUALLY TAKE IT!"

"Tough shit."

"Alright fine, how about..."

"Wait, you have to leave the cave first, then come back to make another offer."

"What? Argh..."

(10 seconds later)

"Alright, 90 rupees. Take it or leave it!"

"Wow, I only wanted 60!"

(long silence)

"Well, are you gonna tell me what you know?"

"No."

"Why don't you quit being such a bitch and just tell me what you know?"

"What are you gonna do about it, girly man? You gonna hit me with your WOODEN sword?"

Other than that, and a bit of Engrish (you have an amazing wisdom and power! Dodongo dislikes smoke!), pretty good. A definate classic, and I would probably still play it, if only my NES would actually work anymore. Then again, they didn't work for shit back when they were new.

Link's Adventure:

After the success of the first one, they decided to roll out a sequel. The story now has Zelda being put into an enchanted sleep by a wizard named Thunderbird, who also wants control of the Triforce. Once again, Link embarks on a quest to save her.

Except this time they worked in experience elements from other RPG's, which wouldn't have been such a bad thing if it wasn't so half-assed. Gain 700 experiance points to go boost ONE of your attributes. Too bad most bad guys up to this point only give you 5 or 10 experience points. MAYBE you'll get lucky and encounter a 25-pointer or find a bag of 50 or 100 experiance points just lying around.

However, not content to shovel in RPG elements, they also went with some action trademarks. Battle and exploration now occured in side scrolling view with pitfalls to jump over, and you were given 3 lives before getting a screen saying "Game Over: The Return Of Ganon" Wait, where does Ganon come into this? He's not in the story anywhere else. Imagine playing Final Fantasy 7 and dying to receive the message "The Return Of Kefka" Fortunately, there are extra lives located around the world to help you out. However, they are good one time only, and will not appear ever again, even after reloading data. Of course, you have to die in order to save, so you'd better be sure you're going to use them.

Outside of battles, you'll be visiting towns to meet the wizard in each one. However, not just anyone can visit them, but luckily for you, each of their wives have some sort of problem that you can help them with. Like:

"I'm thirsty."

She's thirsty. How can we help her with her problem? Simple. Go to the fountain about 30 feet away, fill a cup with water and give it to her.

"Thank you. You are indeed a hero. Why don't you come inside and meet my husband? He's a wizard!"

Score! Time to learn some L1 Fire! Well, most Zelda fans agree this installment sucks, so I really don't need to go any further.

A Link To The Past:

The intro starts off describing the legend of the Triforce.

"legends told of an omnipotent and omniscient Golden Power that resided in a hidden land."

Damn, that must be something. I mean, they used not one, but TWO words with the combination form 'omni' in the same sentence! It also lays down the current situation: Ganon's back with the help of an evil wizard. They plan on kidnapping Zelda and gaining control of the Triforce. Man, AGAIN?

However, she manages to telepathically contact Link. She says he doesn't know her, so this must be their first encounter, right? Your uncle takes up the call instead and tells you to stay put. Link has an uncle? Where did that come from? I guess Nintendo didn't know where to go with it either, since you only see him again when you enter the castle and steal his sword and shield.

The first item you recieve is the lamp. But its no ordinary lamp, its a MAGIC lamp! At least, I guess it is since yes, it DOES require magic to use. Who invented this thing? Newsflash, genius! You don't need magic to create fire. Ever hear of matchsticks? Flint rocks? They work just as well, and they don't even require any magic at all! Another thing is that you use this lamp to light torches in dark rooms to see. Well, isn't the whole point of the lamp to provide a portable source of light?

Once outside, you need to make your way to the castle. You don't have much choice due to soldiers blocking the other paths.

"Hey, a kid like you shouldn't be out this late! Go home and get some sleep!"

But they get friendly after that, and help you out if you are clueless.

"That mark on your map must indicate your next destination. Of course, I should probably be suspicous with you roaming around late at night during a storm carrying a map that has the castle with a giant 'X' on it, but hey, I'm an idiot."

Why are guards stationed outside my house, anyway? Once inside the castle, you rescue the princess and escape to sanctuary via an underground passage. They decide to hide out there while you go search out the Master Sword. You'd figure that they should probably hide somewhere else since there is the matter of the secret passageway directly linking both buildings.

After clearing 3 dungeons to prove your worth, you get the Master Sword. However, the guards must have found that hidden passageway too, cause they overrun the church and recapture Zelda. Told ya. You run to the castle, but arrive too late. You defeat the wizard and are warped into an alternate dark version of Hyrule. Now you must rescue all of the maidens who sealed Ganon away before.

This game also starts off the tradition of bosses who require some sort of complex method to defeat (well, they require more then just slashing away.) Like the flying octopus with 20 balls swirling around. What, did the sexual innuedo guy from Disney join up with the design team after being booted? His big balls protect him from harm, so you have to use the 'legendary' hookshot to pull them away one by one and destroy them. Now in what place is this hookshot considered legendary anyway? Oh yeah, Hyrule. What's so special about it? Did David slay Goliath with this thing? Did Archilles and his boys infiltrate Troy with it? What could possibly make it legendary in any sense?

My favorite is the cane of Somaria, which a wizard designed to create giant blocks for... whatever reason.

"Hey, Gandalf! What's up?"

"Sup, foo! I just put a new block system on my door!"

"A new lock?"

"No, bitch! I said a block! I put a motherfuckin' giant cube of granite in front of my door! Ain't none of those damn Elves gettin' in my crib now!"

The exciting conclusion is a showdown with Ganon in the Pyramid Of Power or whatever it was called. After killing him, you get access to the Triforce and it carefully explains to you what it does.

"If a person with a good heart touches the Triforce, it will grant his noble wishes. However, if a person with an evil heart touches it, it will make his evil wishes come true."

It makes good people's good wishes and bad people's bad wishes come true? Well, that stands to reason; good people would probably make a good wish and vice versa. But you could have just as easily said "The Triforce will grant the wishes of whoever touches it, no matter his intentions." and saved yourself a bit of effort. I didn't need a talking set of triangles to figure that out. I half expected the damn things to recommend my wish for me. "Hey, if you wish to return the world to normal, the world will return to normal!"

Anyway, touch it and the game is over! You are treated to a ending sequence that pretty much explains what happened to everyone. I don't think they left anyone or anything out. "The old man!" Well, what about him? What, he now walks on the bridges of Death Mountain? Did I really need to know that "Vultures rule the desert!" after Ganon dies? "Flippers for sale!" "The man under bridge buys another bottle!" Who gives a shit? Oh, and "Your uncle recovers!" Remember him? He was that guy who you stole the sword and shield from. Heaven forbid somebody should die and spoil the happy mood.

But enough; I liked this one.

Link's Awakening:

While at sea, Link's ship is caught in a storm and is dashed upon the shores of Koholint Island. He awakens in the house of Tarin and Marin. Aw, how cute; their names are the same except for the first letter. In order to save the island, he has to go to the giant Wind Fish egg and wake it up. The plots just aren't getting any better.

This one wasn't really bad, although the formula was getting a bit old at this point.

This page is getting pretty huge, so I broke it into 2. On to part 2!

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